Thursday, 10 January 2013

I'm Tired...

Today I have realised that all I’m doing is just wasting time. I can sit in front of my PC for hours doing nothing. And by that I don’t mean browsing web, reading blogs or gaming, I mean literally doing nothing and I feel terrible with that. I wish I could change it, which would help me a lot but Christ, I fucking can’t. It’s a nightmare to wake up early, spend one or two hours on job search then few on some pointless shit and then just going back to bed or starring at the monitor and waiting for fuck knows what. I don’t even feel like talking to people. I’ve read on the web that I probably have a depression which doesn’t make me happier. Today first thing in the morning I will try to get an appointment with my GP, maybe he will be able to help and even if not maybe at least I will get some “happy pills”.

But then if I look around myself, I’m surrounded by every depressing shit that’s possible. My job sucks, big time and because of latest agreement with management I’m left without cash, maybe they are paying my bills but I would rather be overdue with bill or two instead of trying to figure out how to survive next week. I’m trying to find anything else but without effect, probably will have to go back to agency work, sad but there’s either this or being broke. Then Kael is also constantly sad... and I just don’t know how to make him happier. I feel like everything is my fault and just don’t know how to turn around this situation. I’m miserable boyfriend and he definitely deserve someone better but then, he loves me and I do love him but you can’t even imagine how painful it is to know that you are the one who cause the pain to your boyfriend... my family can’t support me either. They’re going through hard times themselves, mostly because of my sister but that’s just a long family story. My mother constantly asks me about girlfriend or how work, friends and other similarities is and... I just can’t be honest with her. My folks are quite sensitive and I know they would do everything for me but I... just don’t feel fair about it. I’d rather starve than upset them and yet still I need to tell them about my orientation. I’m planning to do this as soon as possible since I just can’t hide it any longer; it doesn’t feel right for me. But then whenever I’m trying to get ready for it, something comes up. First my sister got pregnant, then her wedding, then my granddad went to hospital and now their friend died in England and since his family have difficulties with embassy and register I’m left “in charge” of helping them to get every paperwork done so hospital can release his body. All of this is so fucked up and I’m crying for anything good to happen in my life because I’m tired... I need a change in this trend or I feel I will go crazy...

Sunday, 30 December 2012

There’s Always Room For Improvement!

Today I’ve decided I will get back to things I always wanted to enjoy – design. After having left all my notes and books and tutorials to dust and root I guess it’s time to get this things going. Since I’m on leave of absence from university, I thought that I can do little on my own and how damn wrong it was.

What have I learned at university? Nothing new. I had to look up tutorials, had to create the stuff same as I did before with kind of same effect! I know it’s late but I have come to realisation that universities teach you nothing. Unless you will start working on your own and get hungry for knowledge then it doesn’t matter if you attend the most prestigious art school in the country or not. Everything is up to you and your curiosity. So I’ve hooked up my pants and dug up everything I could – program licences, web tutorial database and video tutorials so I can get back rolling, I hope I will be able to show you some results soon enough.

Regarding my personal life it was time to get to basics. It’s hard to admit but sometimes you need to stop daydreaming and get everything working, literally. I have applied for few local jobs with my highest hopes set as retail assistant at Wolves FC store because this is the one that suits me best with location since it’s within ten minutes from where I live. I know it’s nothing special but since I need anything to pay off a bit of my university debt it’s always a good start. Also it will allow me to get back on my gym supplements so I can shape this slab of meat that I have for body into something more suitable for dog like me. And I want nice things! And nice things cost money so there’s no choice here. Hopefully I can start looking at brighter future from now on because I am really tired of this doom and gloom around me. 

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Glorious End of The World

Its day after the end of the world and surprisingly nothing has changed. Still feeling down with more debt, sad face and with no real progress in anything. Being twenty-five with my best option being a store assistant is not the life I wanted.
If you know me for some time you are probably used to my constant bragging about changing my life and doing nothing with that. I find that became some sort of my signature move. But right now... right now I’m on the verge of breaking down completely. I think I might have some sort of depression but so far no one was able to help me with that. I try to put myself together from time to time but it always fails and I’m going back to wasting day after day.
I just hope I will be able to pick up myself from this crap before it will suck me in completely...

Monday, 2 July 2012

Dog Days of Summer

This isn’t my best year. Wasn’t being able to find some serious job for so long not to mention having huge debt with university on my back are the things that trouble me most. But then like an idiot I don’t feel that I really care... Just sitting there and waiting for September to come so I can tell myself how big failure I am.

Besides that I am going around and hurt the person I should take care for. Even that I know there are hardly things that you can’t forgive but that doesn’t change that you will never forget them.  I have screwed up but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix it! And I will do it!

My gym routine also messed up a little lately. Getting tonsillitis almost twice and some other shizz made me miss almost two weeks of running. It’s like 70km for me! I will to have make up for lost distance and get things going! My challenge is almost up and I don’t want to fail it because I know it’s one of the things that I can do.

Working on my design... well, let’s say that I have holidays here ;)


Saturday, 9 June 2012

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

I’ve been watching it the other day. I kinda disliked the first one with all this Sherlock’s special sense that allowed him to analyse situation and describe what will happen. It was so damn boring and it was spoiling most of the movie for me.
                After reading  a lot of positive reviews I’ve finally got teh DVD and... what the fuck is this shit? As much as I love Judge Law and Robert Downey Jr and how they play their roles not to mention awesome Stephen Fry, here... everything was a total bullshit. Characters were totally flat and this super-uber-kick-ass plot by Moriarty to start world war by buying almost every branch of industry and bombing everyone else, then involve some face transplant, sniper rifles, machine guns and not to forget – gypsy terrorist and some kick-ass cannons that could easily compete with WW2 equipment. And by machine guns I mean the real deal! With fast loading and this kind of magic...
Then when you have a showdown between Sherlock and Moriarty – SURPRISE! – both can analyse situation at the same level and also can kinda talk to each other in their thoughts! I haven’t seen such a pile of bullshit since... first movie. Don’t get me wrong I love productions like Sucker Punch where little makes sense and you can mix everything together but here it was presented in such a boring way and narration, situational analysis by Sherlock just spoiled whole fun of the movie. If they would just keep it simple and stick to action just hinting that Holmes is just a bit special and don’t throw it in my face every five minutes it could be one of the best movies in the world, but this way... fuck it, it’s boring :/

Monday, 4 June 2012


Hey there!
I'm Elath and some of you probably know me from few furmeets that I've attended here and there. I have decided that starting a blog can be a nice and fresh experience. I'm not an avid blogger and as you see those are my first steps so bare with me but I can promise at least that I will post! Can't take responsibility for quality thou ;P

If you're looking for more info about who I'm or what I'm doing you can use my G+ profile for that, as far as I'm aware there should be button for this somewhere around.

~woof ya!