Today I have
realised that all I’m doing is just wasting time. I can sit in front of my PC
for hours doing nothing. And by that I don’t mean browsing web, reading blogs
or gaming, I mean literally doing nothing and I feel terrible with that. I wish
I could change it, which would help me a lot but Christ, I fucking can’t. It’s
a nightmare to wake up early, spend one or two hours on job search then few on
some pointless shit and then just going back to bed or starring at the monitor
and waiting for fuck knows what. I don’t even feel like talking to people. I’ve
read on the web that I probably have a depression which doesn’t make me
happier. Today first thing in the morning I will try to get an appointment with
my GP, maybe he will be able to help and even if not maybe at least I will get
some “happy pills”.
But then if I
look around myself, I’m surrounded by every depressing shit that’s possible. My
job sucks, big time and because of latest agreement with management I’m left
without cash, maybe they are paying my bills but I would rather be overdue with
bill or two instead of trying to figure out how to survive next week. I’m
trying to find anything else but without effect, probably will have to go back
to agency work, sad but there’s either this or being broke. Then Kael is also
constantly sad... and I just don’t know how to make him happier. I feel like
everything is my fault and just don’t know how to turn around this situation. I’m
miserable boyfriend and he definitely deserve someone better but then, he loves
me and I do love him but you can’t even imagine how painful it is to know that
you are the one who cause the pain to your boyfriend... my family can’t support
me either. They’re going through hard times themselves, mostly because of my
sister but that’s just a long family story. My mother constantly asks me about
girlfriend or how work, friends and other similarities is and... I just can’t
be honest with her. My folks are quite sensitive and I know they would do
everything for me but I... just don’t feel fair about it. I’d rather starve
than upset them and yet still I need to tell them about my orientation. I’m
planning to do this as soon as possible since I just can’t hide it any longer;
it doesn’t feel right for me. But then whenever I’m trying to get ready for it,
something comes up. First my sister got pregnant, then her wedding, then my granddad
went to hospital and now their friend died in England and since his family have
difficulties with embassy and register I’m left “in charge” of helping them to
get every paperwork done so hospital can release his body. All of this is so
fucked up and I’m crying for anything good to happen in my life because I’m
tired... I need a change in this trend or I feel I will go crazy...